The past few days have been so insane. I have never lost anyone so close to me before so when I found out my grandmother had passed, I shut myself out from everything out of instinct.
It was horrible seeing her lying in her coffin, not just because I knew she wouldn't come back to us ever, but all of a sudden, I saw the bodies of everyone I knew and loved embalmed under the thin sheet of plexiglass. Their lips were super-glued shut just like hers and strips of cotton formed a lining beneath their eyelids so they wouldn't collapse into the eye cavities and that night, I felt completely alone.
Out of tradition, the wake went on for about a week with families and guests coming and paying their final respects around the clock, and each night, my cousins and I would take the graveyard shift (literally) of watching over our grandmother, lest she gets up and sneaks away from us (I did this not in the belief of the adage but that I wanted to spend whatever time I had left with her, regretful as I was).
I know she lived a full and good life (her funeral was two days ago) but it's still scary how real of a thing death is and how close it is to each of us. I think it's highly ironic and sad at the same time that you'd need to feel death's cold air to find more meaning to life and the people around you.
I love and miss you already :)
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